Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Five Years And Two Kids Ago Me

I have been mourning the old me a little lately. I know, I can feel you rolling your eyes so hard at me right now, but admit it, you've totally been there, so hear me out...

I am not complaining by any means - I have been blessed beyond belief when it comes to the life I live. I have four healthy, sometimes insane but wonderful children. A husband who works hard for his family, two jobs hard. We own a home with a low mortgage in a great housing market and we get to have a lot of fun! There is just something to be said about that time of my life. The new adventures I was facing, being young in my mid-twenites - I was a lot more spontaneous and carefree and silly then and sometimes I wonder where I shed some of that version of me.

Five years and two kids ago I was recently divorced and Tim and I had started dating. We both had good jobs that made us happy, low rent, and a babysitter whenever we needed one. My furniture, if you could call it that (at some point my tv was on a plastic tote), was mismatched and it didn't make my skin crawl. The world was my oyster - whatever that even means. We ate out a lot, I bought a new outfit weekly, and all my bills were paid in some sort of early and over-achieving adult like fashion. I was fit and getting dressed didn't end in rage black-outs in the middle of my closet. Life was really good.

I welcome all seasons of change with open arms - There are always better parts and moments and adventures and memories waiting as each new year changes over but being almost thirty just isn't the same as being twenty-five. I still stand by my motto of be young and have fun but I would be lying if I didn't mention how "adult" life has forced me to be lately. I haven't worked steadily since a little while after I had Stella. Mostly by choice but a lot because I haven't found the right job for it to make sense for me to go back to work, both financially and emotionally. So in the meantime, Tim works two jobs so that our family can still have some of the things that we want and not struggle to enjoy them. We still struggle sometimes if I am being totally transparent. 

We're about to embark on a pricey house renovation, three of the kids and Tim and my birthdays are coming up over the next three months, and Christmas is around the corner - I think I will admittedly always miss the old me, the one with lots of money and energy and time, this time of year - I guess that makes sense. The best I can do I try to find time for the things I love and that make me happy. I am always a renewed person when I can find those extra moments for me and all of the little things weighing me down melt away.

In a way, I write this post to hold myself accountable. Life is what we make it and I do let the more complicated stuff affect my happiness in some ways. Getting older and having to be better with money and more responsible with my time and energy (7 pm bedtime for me, holla!) doesn't mean the death of my youthfulness. As important as it is to me that my children grow up with boundaries and discipline and respecting Tim and I. It is important to me that they have the best life I can possibly give them. That they experience adventure and their days are filled with spontaneity, like the old me enforced for myself. A life where we play in the rain, build forts, drive for hours for the perfect Sunday dough-nut, and lift each others dreams up no matter how silly or far-fetched. Because life is short and it's ok to silly, even when you're almost thirty.

I'll be twenty-nine next month but sometimes I swear I am not a day under forty...

Just for fun - Check out these ridiculous photos of "five years ago" me. Back when I put this lovely black border on every photo and clearly didn't how to use my camera. Enjoy!

4 comments:

melissa rohr said...

I love you, and this post. I know exactly what you mean. Some days, it's crazy to look back and think about how carefree life was before we had to become "real" adults. We can be old bitties together, my love.

melissa rohr said...

I can so relate to this!! 5 years ago- It seems I was in the same place as you- Newly single with a 5 year old.. had my own house and had the TIME of my life.. Bills were paid, dinners were simple and quiet..clothes were fun-(now I have 2 under 3) and my son is 11- dinners are loud and chaotic (if I'm being nice)! Clothes -hahahaha.. right- (still hanging on to those last few fantasy jeans) I wouldn't trade "now" for anything but I do wish I had appreciated what I had and was able to do 5 years ago!

melissa rohr said...

Omg so much yes to the fantasy jeans! Haha I just can't get rid of the collection I so painstakingly paid $$ for but they'll never fit ;)

melissa rohr said...

sounds like a plan!